Rude Awakening

Boy oh boy....

You know, there is nothing worse than coming to the realization that everything has all been a lie. Now, I know I'm being overly dramatic, but that is really how I feel right now.

For the past two weeks I've been worried that my best friend, J, is not handling me being let go very well--we did work together after all for 8 years at different jobs and well, I thought he was taking it worse than I....

That is until I talked to another friend of mine (Christopher)....Who would seen him out.

I now am under the impression that no, it's not me losing my job that has kept him distant, and that no, it's not that he isn't handling it well at all--what it is in fact (or most likely) is that he has met someone on the internet--no big deal at all, right?--that last week he was probably going out with this person--again, no big deal--and that it's probably not worked out.

An I haven't been told any of this by him.

He's always been the type of person who was secretive. In his last relationship, we weren't nearly as "close" but he went to great lengths to keep his love life separate from the rest of his life. It's almost as if there are two people there and they aren't the same. I always thought it was a weird thing and even joked about it with another person that we know...but was probably troubled by it at least somewhat.

So now, I have to wonder.....Why is it that you do this? Are you embarrassed of me? Is this why in 8 years, you've met just about everyone in my family, but I've never met even a single one? IS this why in my home, I have pictures of my family and I have pictures of he and I and in his, he has pictures of his cat, his friends he sees maybe once every other month or so and none of me, except for the joke ones that are funny because I look so incredibly fucked up.

Is it really that you're not concerned about me, who has just lost my job of 5 years and instead you're caught up in a trick you've just met--but it doesn't matter because nothing, not even friendship is worth the possibility of losing a potential life mate? That you've just met??!?!?!?

An it's funny, I was talking to Christopher about something--one of his friends (who I used to be friends with but divorced out of my life years ago because he was so drama filled)--Christopher was complaining about how ungrateful D was, it had been his birthday and Christopher went to great lengths to make it a good birthday an D pretty much didn't give a shit.

An I asked Chris, "You have to decide just exactly what it is you will lose by confronting him. If you're afraid that he'll get mad and cause a scene, what is it that you think you're really losing here?"

An after we got off the telephone.....

I had to ask myself the same thing. What am I losing by ending this or at least distancing this?

I'm losing someone who while my father was in a coma on Halloween was out with his "friends" drinking and having a good time, while I sat in the hospital and watched my world fall apart.

I'm losing someone who obviously for one reason or another does not feel comfortable with me--or at least enough to be honest with me.

I'm losing someone that has never even suggested to meet his family, yet who I invited to a special family celebration because my grandparents were up from Florida.

I'm losing someone who when my father was put in the hospital for the third time in a month, I sat and listened to him on the phone tell me how upset and vulnerable he was because his life was not what he wanted it to be--and dealt with my distress about my situation myself.

I'm losing someone that was so sad because he had no real friends to speak of, he had no one but "me"--so I introduced him to some people that I knew, so broaden his horizons.

I'm losing someone who felt so stagnant in his mind that I invited him to an art night, of painting, drawing, sculpting and whatever strikes your fancy so that he could try to let lose.

I'm losing someone who said when I said, "you're a special person, you've changed peoples lives" his response was that yes, he probably did--when he talked about them and made them feel bad---and I said, "You've changed mine--for the better."

Yes, I'm losing so much...aren't I.

No. The answer is no. I know this now, though I don't like it and I definitely don't need it. I think that now is a good time to try and leave that life behind. The life of the job with Mark who was an incredible asshole who mentally tried to break me on a weekly basis...and leave J behind with it. It's been eight years yes, but you know...so what....It's been 8 years of a lot of things, and so much has happened in that time.

Maybe, just maybe....it's time to turn the lights off and call it a night, baby.

:::sigh::::

xoxoxo